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Instructional

11:06 pm Filed under: General

Someone sent me this very informative article, 15 steps to the perfect turd.
1. Select reading material

2. Tell everyone along the way, “Just going for a dump, okay?” Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man’s self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

TV Rots the brain

3:21 am Filed under: General

He’s my 2 cents on TV, TURN IT OFF!

Enhance your lives by exploring the real world… after you havn’t watched it for a while (say a month or so) when you return you’ll see what a steaming pile of horse shit it is!

Enjoy your new life.

Convent crack house!

12:37 am Filed under: Uncategorized

Well I’m back at work again, this last weekend was one of those were you leave work on Friday arvo and then POW next thing you know your propped up in front of TV late Sunday night not believing you’ve gotta work in the morning.

It all started Friday night with a birthday celebration for my brother Evan ( Props to You Ev ), a nice evening not to wild although my nephew’s a niece always add a certain work level to an evening.

Thankfully Zett and I got a bit of a lie in Saturday morning we got up and straight Mulwala to go support the Chimp in his attempt at the Australian Nationals Wake Board title, he came second in the end ( Props to you Chimp! ). Support is all well and good, unfortunately it mainly involves standing around waiting for the few brief moments when your supportee is riding then making a bit of noise. Most people numbed down the in-between parts by punching a constant stream of beers into their heads. Suffice to say some of them started to show signs of fatigue by the end of the day ( they had been there since 8 in the morning ).

After the show we headed of to the convent where we were staying, we stepped into the “indoor cricket room” with our foam matrices it full on looked like a crack house, the dim light protruding through one dirty window matrices and bodies strewn all over the room the odd murmur from a dark corner. We promptly found our own patch on the floor, we passed up on taking the “Dead bee room” ( Literally a mostly empty room with a shitload of dead bees all over it ) next door for ourselves as it was just a little too freaky. This convent is the church grounds and all, Sam’s little brother rents it with heap of his mates, awesome place simply huge.

We headed out to the Mulwala Water Ski Club from here, no need to go into much detail here, you all know what it’s like typical feral pokie club set-up. The high/low light has to be the band “The Tree Amigos” consisting of 3 middle aged men “Mag Dog” , “Mongrel” and “Big Dave” who pumped out all the greatest hits from the 70’s and 80’s. There are to ways to with such a situation, crack the shits with all the fools dancing to such shit music and go home, or have another drink and join the idiots and try your hardest to look like the biggest dickhead. I chose the later on this particular evening had a ball looking like a big galoot.

Wake up a little seedy in the morning, felt a hell of allot better after backing out a particularly massive and unpleasant steamer, I must apologise to Trapit who went in after me… Sorry!

Went almost straight to Wodonga Sunday, Ilzette was playing Hockey, they drew 1-1, then we shopped around a bit a home to watch a couple o vids, Jose and the pussycats and the Phantom. I didn’t fall asleep so they must have been alright.

Props out…

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