Someone sent me this very informative article, 15 steps to the perfect turd.
1. Select reading material
2. Tell everyone along the way, “Just going for a dump, okay?” Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man’s self-esteem that other people smell his produce.